It is amazing how much Sage admires Sky. When Sky was here, they spent some time making beads. Sage hangs on to every word Sky says. I think I should quit worrying about times he doesn’t remember what he did in school. He can quote Sky verbatim.

Last week, we were doing our grocery shopping in the Krogers that is being remodeled. LOTS of florescents!

This whole past week, I have lived about five lifetimes. I have:

Contemplated just chucking everything and moving to Oregon, living off savings until I could make money selling bead bracelets on the street or something…

Looked into going to a cosmetology school, going so far as to interview two hairdressers to find out information about income, competition, etc. My mother was NOT pleased.

Talked myself out of the Ph.D. program, on the basis that it will be boring and I don’t want to be bored for the rest of my life.

Talked myself out of that same thing because I can’t afford it.

Seriously questioned that decision and went back to considering it.

Decided not to go to beauty school.

Decided not to move to Oregon, at least not right now.

Wrote 15 articles in one day in a mad attempt to prove to myself that I could make a full-time income writing.

Had crying and anxiety and did not go back to school as scheduled for the first two days. Seriously thought about quitting.

Finally went back and things are back to being fine in that way that really isn’t quite fine, but is manageable.

I put myself through a lot of shit.

So I’ve had a BIG decision. It has to do with the fact that I am getting pretty burnt out on the classroom, yet still have the desire to actually teach something.

I’m applying for one of the 15 slots in the next Educational Leadership Ph.D. cohort. My chances at this point look good. I’ve got GRE scores that are more than 200 points over what is required, my old boss teaches in that department and I have a good background.

If I keep my old job while working towards my Ph.D., it is going to be HARD. Assuming that I get in the program to begin with, of course.

I could get a research fellowship that pays half of what I currently make, but I’d have to make up the money with my Internet stuff. Which means I’d better get cracking on generating “passive income”, because I won’t have time to do anything once this program starts.

I feel really excited and good about this. It feels good to be moving away from something that I am tired of, and towards finding something that I am sure to enjoy. It’s an added bonus that instead of sitting here at my teaching job becoming more and more cynical, I will get to actively work at some of the problems that make me feel that way. I love the idea of being a professor and shaping public policy through my research while teaching.

More money won’t hurt anything either, although we won’t be rich.

Wish me luck on this one! I’ll probably be hearing something in sometime in March.

Hopefully, insurance is going to cover my stuff. I’ve earned $300 writing this month, and I’m getting another $300 stipend for mentoring another teacher. I’ve already bought all of the Christmas presents I’m going to buy, so I ought to be able to get another laptop ($800 range) and then put the insurance money in savings–after I’ve bought a new iPod. That would be a good outcome, right?

Pacian was spot on about how losing the novel can be a positive thing. Now I don’t have to worry about reworking it. I can start from scratch. Perhaps it was an albatross of sorts anyway, blocking me from writing other things.

I tell myself these things, and I believe them.

Yesterday, I came home and noticed that my laptop was missing. It had been sitting right smack dab in the middle of the kitchen table. I looked around the house, and then called Greg to see if he had taken. He hadn’t. So then I called the police, who came over, found an unlocked window (!!) and three muddy footprints.

I wish the dog wasn’t so stinky. I had put her in the back of the house where she couldn’t get out. Nothing was stolen from the back of the house.

However, in addition to my laptop, my iPod was stolen (along with the cord, which was hidden in a box underneath the TV) and hundreds of dollars of software. Unfortunately, the software was in a CD case that also included my novel–the backup copy.

So, the novel is gone gone gone. I guess it was never meant to be.

I am mad mad mad.

When will all this shit quit happening????

I just got a new data plan through At&T, and I’m in the process of testing it out to see if it will work in the boondocks. We are on the road right now. I got it specifically so that I would be distracted from negative thoughts while in the car. I figure this is way, way cheaper than therapy, although at $60 a month and slow speeds, it is not cheap.

I have thirty days to try it out. We’re going to Houston in two weeks, and I plan to use it then as well. If it doesn’t work well, I could still send it back. But…hopefully this will help me get back on the road!!

I just stopped by Margaret’s and read about how her college daughter might be taking the wrong classes, and I’ll be petty and admit it: I’m jealous. I’m also asking myself what she did as a parent that I didn’t.

Right now, Sky seems determined not to find a job in Portland. I don’t buy that there “aren’t any.” Bullshit. He didn’t take much with him when he went, and now he tells me that he is cutting down on his possessions so that they “will fit in one bag.”

I swear, this kid seems bent on becoming homeless. He doesn’t see it as a BAD thing, he seems to think it is COOL.

He has done so many hallucinagins that he either is having frequent flashbacks or is developing schizophrenia. He told me about his hallucinations and so on after I told him about my brother and the hell he is going through with schizophrenia. He thinks alternate versions of reality are fine, and I think, “Shit, I have had way too many philosophical discussions with this child, when I should have been…I dunno–beating some sense into his head?”

I am worried about him. That is an understatement, actually. I am angry, too.

My brother comes home (to my parent’s house) today from the psychiatric hospital. The insurance ran out. He is not entirely stabilized, although my parents say they don’t think there is a danger at this point. I will have to “babysit” so that my parents can get out of the house. I’m not looking forward to that, because my 6’10″ brother out of his mind scares me.

I feel like I am always on the verge of crying, at least when I let myself remember that these things are happening.

So after the excitement yesterday, I took a mental health day. Things were crazy at work all day yesterday, and then when I got the call to go and help deal with my brother, things just got way more intense, with the day ending in the emergency room. Like I said, the encounter with the police went well. Other good news is that he doesn’t have a brain tumor.

I’m really wondering about his fiancee. They were supposed to get married soon. She is just beside herself. I’m wondering if she will stick by him or not. I wonder if he will get better or not.

I can see why in the old days they thought people with schizophrenia were possessed. I would think that too if I didn’t know anything about the disorder. It is beyond weird.

This whole thing makes me even more concerned about Sky and his enjoyment of LSD, which is a known trigger for schizophrenia.

I wish I could have a mental health week. Thanksgiving was hell. I’m counting the days until Christmas break in the hopes that it will be much better.

So it is possible the whole thing with my brother being harassed by those particular individuals didn’t happen. What has happened is that he had a major psychotic episode. It appears to be paranoid schizophrenia. I had to get a commitment order from the judge because he was a danger to himself and my parents couldn’t bring themselves to do it.

It sucked and still sucks. It is hard seeing my brother crazy. It is like he is a different person.

The police were able to take him to the hospital with no major drama going down, thank goodness. Even though it took 20 minutes for them to talk him into the car, it was okay. This was the best experience with police that I’ve ever had.

He is now in a psychiatric treatment facility.

PS. I will be writing a lot more now. If you read my posts, you’ll probably understand why.

I haven’t been over here as much because I’ve been scrabbling for money elsewhere on the web. And, as previously mentioned, as the agoraphobia abates, I’ve been doing more stuff. There’s a heck of a lot that has been going on, though. The easiest way to write about it is to just make it an itemized list.

1. Sage and I have been having fun making jewelry. I would post pics but I lost my camera. Time for a NEW one! He is worried because boys “aren’t designers.” I beg to differ. Actually, I’ve never thought about it before, but most jewelers seem to be men.

2. My brother is having panic attacks. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, so it is very painful to watch, listen to, etc. He had gotten engaged, and around this same time is when some very nasty white folks (won’t post the name here–don’t want the search results) began harrassing him at work and trying to get him to join up. Yep, since Obama was elected, the kooks are out and trying to organize. To be a member of this select group, you have to kill someone. Apparently. My brother is freaking out. The original freakout has led to him not wanting to drive, be around crowds or basically even leave the house. His fiance is not taking this well at all. He stands to lose a lot.

This stuff has been making me think a lot. About how the platitudes, well meant, that are being given my brother don’t work. How I am tired of helping victims. I think that the people who make people victims need to be dealt with. Evil happens when good people do nothing. But what is something? We’ve already went through all of the proper channels. I am not thinking nice thoughts.

3. Greg and Sage are going up to Texarcana tomorrow for a Thanksgiving thing. I don’t want to go. I wouldn’t want to go if it was next door. Instead, I am going over to my parents’ house for my brother’s birthday, which falls on that same day. I am making a yellow cake with pumpkin cream cheese frosting. He’s not really eating much, because he’s so stressed out, but hopefully the thought will count for something. Then we’re having Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws on Friday. My family is not up to dealing with Thanksgiving AT ALL this year. They have just been going through hell with my brother. He is so paranoid that he is checking out of windows all of the time and stuff like that. The scary thing is wondering how much of it is paranoia. Those are some seriously evil folks. I would leave town. Maybe.

4. I’ve been writing for Cash Kitties lately, but I’m not sure if I’ll keep it up or not. I’m also writing for Constant Content, Pay Per Post, and eHow. This past week, I have made 17 cents on eHow with about the same number of articles. I hope it is because of the changes they’ve been making with their site, because those articles are indexed and have 500 page views and that is just pathetic. Especially since I’ve used the Adwords tool to write almost all of them. The best money comes from PPP, right now to the tune of $50 a day. Constant Content sells one of my articles about once a week, which is okay, since I don’t have many over there. I’m putting up a writing website with clips and all that so I can apply for some more writing jobs.

5. I don’t know why I’m doing all this writing stuff when I’d like to do something more creative. My soul is literally crying out for it. Writing ads is boring, boring, boring. Well, I KNOW. Money, obviously. Still, I have discovered that I can drill holes in rock and I’m having a blast with that. I want to make jewelry out of found natural objects like rock, bone and feathers. I’m working on it when I’m not writing or teaching. Once again, no photos due to lack of camera.

That’s it, really, except for my love/hate relationship with my job. I realized this week that it is difficult for me to invest much of myself into it because I get too upset with the bullshit when I do.

Whining ahead.

I’ve been working on the agor thing. I’ve been able to travel much further. Greg has been wanting to go to Houston. I didn’t think we were going to be able to go this weekend, because he had to work. His work got canceled at the last minute, though, and now he and Sage are going. I’m not going because I have this horrible, horrible PMS that is causing all kinds of anxiety and mood problems right now. It is not the right time, and I cannot help that.

I’m so disappointed that I can’t go. Or that it would be misery if I tried, or whatever. I’m TIRED of missing out on things with my family. I HATE not getting to see Sage experience new places.

When Greg told me they were going, I burst out crying. I’ll be spending the day by myself, probably having a pity party. He got mad at me for not being more gracious, and of course Sage is not thrilled about going without me. That is a shame, because they’ll be skating at the Galleria.

I don’t feel like a good human being right now.