Sage and I are really digging the whole homeschooling thing. Sage has his own blog, which I set up as a place for him to write stories and basically do whatever creative thing–it is called Sage’s Homeschooling Blog. That may change. His brother added to the story Sage has been writing. That made Sage ecstatic. It’s good to feel that connection from Portland.
We’ve been working on multiplication–doing different things to get the “hard ones” into memory.
We’ve also been going on long “field trips” which turn into two hour long walks in the beautiful weather we’ve been having here. It’s done wonders for my mental health. Today we went to an art gallery. This week, Sage mastered long division. It’s been a good, good week.
Wiley had a moment of passive resistance. He saw Greg and Sage leaving to go somewhere in the car, and jumped out of the window to join them. When Greg told him to go in the house, he ran into the park, where he sat down and refused to move. As you can see, Greg had to carry him all the way from the park to the house. It was ridiculous.
It feels good to be living more mindfully, and not rushing around all the time. I’ve realized that I’d rather learn to cook rice and beans 20 different ways than have my kid in the public schools.
I’ve been having vivid dreams lately. Early this morning, I met a man who had been working for himself since 1981. If I believed in “guides,” I’d have to say he was one. He asked me, “Why do you want to work for yourself?”
I started singing. “I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more…” He looked at me, and I answered again in a different way. “I don’t want to work on the plantation.”
We walked downstairs to a small bar, and sat down to have a drink. On the jukebox, Bob Dylan’s song, Maggie’s Farm, began playing. It was beautiful serendipity, only in my dream of course.
They say that Dylan wrote that song because he felt his creativity was being stifled working for too many people (fans). I suppose it meant he was going to write songs more from his heart than for a crowd.
The dream coincides very well with reality right now. Reality is a long story, and it ends with me being on leave from my job and most likely resigning in a week or two.
Reality is this.
Last Monday, Sage walked over to my classroom after school and told me that a girl in his class had called him Stupid, Geek, Dork, and Retarded while kicking him repeatedly. He showed me the marks on his legs. He said, “Mom, our school has a policy of no physical contact.”
I marched right over to the elementary school and spoke with the teacher, who had been out of the room at the time. The teacher asked my son, “What did you do to offend her?” She then proceeded to tell me about problems Sage had been having in class paying attention. When I told her that I was there to discuss the incident of Sage having been kicked she rolled her eyes at me. At that point, I told her she’d better get someone to mediate our meeting.
The principal came in and made nice noises about fixing the situation, meeting with Sage and the girl the next day, being safe, blah blah, and contacting me in a couple of days.
The next day was the class field trip. The girl went along on the trip with everyone else. There was never any meeting, or any consequences that I could see.
I’m pretty sure that if my son repeatedly kicked someone else while name-calling, he’d be wearing the gray uniform at my discipline program. Here’s the thing. There are a lot of children in our school district who are apparently raised by wolves. (I know. That’s an insult to wolves.) At any rate, many teachers and administrators make excuses for it because otherwise, they’d be expelling these kids left and right. And TEA and other government agencies are very concerned about the number of minority kids expelled, so race comes into it, and basically, rules are not implemented in a fair and impartial manner.
If I kicked my kid and called him names and someone found out, he would probably be removed from my home.
I’m not sending my kid back into an environment which, through inaction, tacitly supports this abuse.
I was about to take leave anyway, because I’m in a lot of pain and having to leave work frequently due to panic attacks. This was pretty much the icing on the cake. There’s a reason for everything, and I feel as though a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders, because I’ve been worried about Sage and school for a long time. Experience has pretty much given me the ability to see into the future as far as kids with special needs and high school are concerned. It’s not good.
I’m very excited about homeschooling Sage. He has been asking me to anyway. He is tired of the bullying, and not understanding the teacher because she is talking too fast and classmates are causing background noise.
As for money, I’ll continue to do the freelance writing. It’ll be the meat and potatoes, rather than the gravy, but that’s okay, because I have other things in the works as well.
No more plantation. No more sending kids home from school because the pockets on their jeans aren’t right (yes, true, daily). The kids and I both know what stupid rules are. How long can you work in a sick system before you become sick yourself?
Sky looks so healthy! I can’t tell you just how thrilled I am to see him. And Sage is completely beside himself. Sky is tan from being in the Santa Fe National Forest at the Rainbow Gathering, and he’s put on weight (in a good way). I can’t tell you how much he reminds me of my friends when I was in college. And a lot of myself, actually. Sometimes talking to Sky is like talking to the person I used to be. Kinda. It’s hard to explain.
We looked at a bunch of photos from his recent travels yesterday. I am thrilled that he is free in a way that I haven’t been for many years, and probably never was. He doesn’t worry about tomorrow, next week or next year. I am just the opposite that way. His attitude is inspiring to someone who can make themselves sick with worry. Thank God he hasn’t inherited this anxiety stuff.
I find that instead of being annoyed that he isn’t in school or really being “productive”, that I’m happy for him instead. He’s enjoying his freedom, and he’s learning a lot by traveling around. He honestly seems happy, which is more than I can say for most people. He’s a good person too. Really kind, and he likes other people. I knew this of course, but his good qualities have gotten more pronounced.
I’ve now heard so many stories about how cool Portland is. I wish we could move there sometimes. I could see Sage having a better school experience there if we found the right neighborhood. Maybe in a few years, seriously.
Sky has some really cool artwork that he’s been doing and selling. This art thing totally runs in the family. His grandmother used to do fashion design, and various aunts and uncles have made their livings with art. I’m having prints made of some of his work. It’ll be great having my own son’s art hanging in the living room!
When Greg and Sage went to get Sky, they swung through Houston, and stopped the Museum of Natural History. They had a blast, and Sage got these cricket snacks from the gift shop. He ate all of them. They were salt and vinegar flavored, and only had nine calories for the entire package. I know what I’d be snacking on if I could get over the ick factor!
I can’t believe my brother (35) is finally getting married on Saturday! His fiancee is 38, and it is also her first time getting married. I put together the CD’s for the wedding, since it will be pretty small and there isn’t going to be a band. I’m really excited that I’m going to have a sister-in-law who is so sweet! We are as different as night and day (I said she was sweet, right?), but she’s the type of person where it’s not going to matter, which is nice.
I know my mom is stressed out because my kids haven’t had haircuts and all of the relatives are coming. I’m not too worried. I’ll hit Sage’s with a blow dryer and some product, and there’s no way Sky’s going to do a darn thing with his!
So Sage had the spider bite, but when we took him to the doctor for yet another “spider bite”, we discovered that he has MRSA, an antibiotic-resistant form of staph. I got pretty freaked out by how serious the formerly jovial doctor got when he saw the boils. Sage is now on a pretty harsh antibiotic and some anti-bacterial cream. Actually, ALL of us have to put the cream in our nose to “decolonize” ourselves.
I have been worried sick. We canceled our Fourth of July get together, which may not have been such a terrible thing, since the mixture of relatives that were coming was a bit dicey. I really hope the doctors know what they’re doing. Alarmingly, this is not uncommon. The pharmacist told me that she had seen eleven other patients with MRSA that day.
I’ve been all weepy and stuff, with stress and my screwy hormones. Greg told me that I was a good mommy because I take such good care of my boy and I just about lost it. I suppose I really needed to hear that. I beat myself up all of the time about not having a more stable life when Sky was growing up. I honest to goodness didn’t realize how damn important that is to a kid, believe it or not. I believed that if I didn’t make the mistakes that my parents made, then I must be doing things perfectly. Not. I shouldn’t be so hard on some of the parents of my students when I was such a jacked up parent myself.
And anyway, I continue to to pay for those bad choices. Sky doesn’t call me often, and leads a lifestyle that worries me. I feel literally tied up in knots worrying about him. Where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s okay. My knuckles have something that feels like arthritis. It seems like the worry made manifest. What better place than in the hands that cared for him and now feel absolutely helpless?
If something happened to him, probably no one would know how to get a hold of me, since he got rid of his cell phone. He’s 19 now. I didn’t talk to him on his birthday, because there is no way I can reach him. The parenting thing doesn’t diminish much after 18. It’s still all about wearing your heart outside of your body.
Yesterday, out of the blue, Sage asked me what a “PO” was. I told him that it was the post office, located next to Krogers. He said, “No, it was up near Grandma’s.”
I realized that he meant the probation officer. It’s been well over a year since that has come up. I explained. He was confused about why Sky had to go there. I said, “Do you want to know what he did?”
Sage looked at me very seriously, and shook his head. He has his brother on a pedestal, and he’s not about to take him down.
I had to try to get myself out of this funk. I went to a cool site, Kiva, and made a microloan to the woman in my new sidebar widget. I think microlending is awesome, since you can help people again and again with the money you put into it. I just love Kiva. My other favorite is Heifer International, which sounds like a Miss Universe for fat girls, but is another incredible charity.
Anyway, am going to put serious effort into continuing to shake this off. Going to get some good sleep, get up and go to the gym, and then do some craftsy stuff. It’s a plan.
7/06 Cheerful Update: Sky IMed me this morning!! He’s safe, and is currently in Dallas with some friends. He promised to give his friends my number, easing one of my worries. He should be here in the next couple of weeks. This just totally made my day!
I’ve almost cried once today. And I actually did cry before that. It’s been such a roller-coaster of a day.
The first thing that happened was that Sage was getting an award at school today (for music!) and I had to work. I did walk over to his school to drop off some goodies for the class, and when I saw the other parents filing into the auditorium, I just totally choked up, because I wanted to be there instead of at work.
One of our instructional aides saw the tears in my eyes when I got back and asked what was wrong. I told her and she got someone to cover my class. So I walked back over there and got to see my kiddo get his award!
I ended up telling my students about this experience–how very difficult it is to be both the parent you want to be and do the job you want to do. Some of my students take parenthood lightly, so I suppose I was hoping to convey how darn important it really is. Several of my students shared with me that they had never gotten an award. That made me so sad, because while watching the award ceremony, I noticed that the students who received the most awards were those who parents are pretty active in the school, so I know those students are very supported. My students should get awards for surviving hellish upbringings and neighborhoods without being incarcerated (at present, anyway).
Sage also got “commended” on our state standardized test in writing. Although I’m not a fan of standardized tests, this meant a lot to me, because after seven years, Sage just got out of the special education program for speech/language. When he was struggling, he never got awards or recognition, and it seemed that he was overlooked because of his disability. I used to feel so angry about that.
The guy came to fix our washing machine, which had a broken lid switch. Greg was at home, and called me this afternoon to let me know how much it cost. It was $130 for 15 minutes work and an eighteen dollar part. I told my students about this as well. They need to give this guy some competition so that prices will go down a bit! For a moment, I wondered why I didn’t go into appliance repair.
Here’s the reason, and the reason I almost started crying again. School’s about out, and I was telling my students how much I enjoyed this year, and had really been enjoying this class in particular. I said, “I really like yall”!
Well, this one student I have, who has been challenging to say the very least, not to mention rude, disruptive and a host of other bad behaviors, said, “I like you too Miss.”
And that meant the whole world to me.
Seeing that kiddo (and others) learn manners and exhibit a desire to learn over the past few months has been amazing. He hasn’t been the only one. One of my juniors told me that she had been paying close attention to my World Geography class all year, and that she had never learned so much in a class in her entire life. Kids gave me email addresses, phone numbers and promises to stay in touch.
Unlike working with washing machines, with kiddos it’s really hard to let go sometimes.
A few minutes ago, I rescued this ladybug from a bucket of some sort of sludge that Greg has left in the front flowerbed. She’s relieved to be on some lemon balm, I think!
I bought another new plant this weekend and then forgot the name of it. We are going to be overrun with plants. This one will be living in my already-crowded classroom window during the winter. It is starting to look like a greenhouse in there, since my sunny classroom is the perfect place to winter plants, especially when there are so many helpful hands.
I found an unexpected bunch of flowers when I opened up the crisper and found these had been growing on the bok choy…in the dark of all things. Who knew?
The rest of the weekend has been really relaxing. We played Monopoly, and although I tried to teach Sage to be ruthless and make deals with me to get Greg out of the game, he sold Greg a property because otherwise, “it wouldn’t be fair”. What a sweetie!
Sage and I made origami boxes, and we were working together on making peace cranes, and HE ended up showing ME how to do it. So when my child can follow a tutorial better than I can, I guess I can stop worrying about comprehension problems. We found some great video tutorials and animated tutorials on Wonder How To.
We also made a bracelet for him. It is silver two letters on a black rubber bracelet. They say, “HA”. It stands for “Homework” and “Agenda”, because he needed a visual reminder. No one has to know that, though. It just looks cool.
I got my Mother’s Day gifts early. Sage was pretty much dancing up and down until I opened my gifts, which he was responsible for telling Greg I wanted. I got some lovely earrings, some chocolate and a gift certificate for a mani/pedi.
My own mom has taken off gambling in Louisiana, so I’ll have to wait until she gets back to give her my gift, which she’ll probably find a reason to return, because that’s how she rolls.
We found an awesome new store downtown. It’s a hippie/new age kind of joint, and I spent a ridiculous amount of money on a huge Tibetian singing bowl, because the tone relaxes me like a drug. I don’t have it yet, because it’s on layaway–remember that? I got to play a didgeridoo, and was told I have natural talent at it. Who’d have thunk? It was soooo fun! Greg had to drag both Sage and me out of there. We would have stayed all day.
I made a frittata for breakfast, we ate green tea ice cream for lunch, and there’s a roast cooking for dinner. I’m almost done with the laundry. Life is good.
However, I am too fat. I gained almost all my weight back! I saw my aunt and uncle for the first time in forever, and I won’t post the photo because I look so BIG. That’s the same reason there is no photo of me wearing my new earrings, either. This summer, Sage and I are going to be working it at the rec center. Part of the reason I fell of my low-carb thing is because of sites like foodgawker. Seriously. Just type in broccoli. Or chocolate. Or blueberries.
Moving right along, the previous week was good too. I taught two students to crochet, and four how to play chess. We’re having a chess tournament next week! My students are really bonded, and are disappointed that they can’t come back next year, which is weird since I work at the disciplinary alternative school. Anyway, I’m hoping that this week is just as good–three more weeks left and we’re outta there!
Upcoming things…working late every Wednesday to make up hours for a holiday that my district wasn’t supposed to have, Boy Scouts, piano practice for Sage, dermatologist appointment for Sage (wart, moles, rash), Sage’s school play, Sage’s piano recital…it’s going to be a busy busy couple of weeks!
The last day of school? I have a massage scheduled.
I’m sitting here listening to Aaron Goldberg, because his complex jazz tunes make me feel more sophisticated than lonely. My guys went camping, and while I usually welcome the alone time, I’m a bit bummed by Sage not waking up in the morning and doing his egg search around the house. It’ll have to wait until the afternoon. I did make him a basket, though.
I’ll spare you my usual Easter rant about the chocolate crosses this year. Happy Easter!
So, yes, they went camping, and the weather outside looks like this.
They aren’t too far away, so I suppose if it gets really yukky, they’ll come home.
Can you tell that I’m enjoying my copy of Photoshop Elements? After using the grownup version of Photoshop for years, I find Elements 7 to be very refreshing. I’m not trying to make counterfeit money or anything, so it works just fine. I took some pics of my craftiness that has resurfaced lately.
Indonesian Kitty had an operation. Three years of sitting on my desk was just too much for her.
I find that I have good taste. I found my Knoll table in Elle Decor, and they put the same (more or less) chairs with it that I bought at the much less expensive West Elm. I actually like my West Elm chairs better than the ones shown.
Why do they still have crap like this in decorating magazines???
On a happier note, Sage is doing so well. He’s had five piano lessons, and practices daily like a pro, with hardly any of the choppy stuff that you would expect to hear. He plays with both hands already and listening to him is a pleasure. He also learned how to crochet pretty easily. I taught him chain, single and double, and he made a carrot! Not on purpose, but even though he skipped stitches, he got how to make the stitches down pat.
Here’s a couple of pics of him making spicy chocolate cookies.
Yep. I’m really enjoying having a decent camera and editing software again.
I’ve just been loving the vacation from school lately. Although, subconsciously I know I’m going back soon, since I woke up to a dream of my boss chewing me out and me quitting on the spot.
We had a blast in Houston–here are a few pics!
Here’s the life-sized floor sign indicating the floor we were on at the Hotel Derek. This caused us to ride the elevator to every floor to check out all of the other artwork on the other floors. It was cool. I loved staying there
This is Sage at the window in the hall. I like how it looks like he is playing cars.
Sage and Greg went ice skating at the Galleria. I could not get a decent photo–they kept getting past me!
This is the computer I bought at the Sony store in the Galleria. I’m loving it! I think that pink blog I write must be rubbing off on me!
We went to “Chinatown”, although it should rightfully be called “Asiantown” because many different nationalities are represented. (I’m not talking about the old Chinatown near downtown.) We ended up eating Pho twice–yum! I got my dad some sake and other goodies from the largest Asian market in Houston.
Here’s a pic of Sage and me. Is it apparent that Greg bought me a new camera for Christmas? 10 megapixels, 3 optical zoom at a decent price. It’s a huge improvement over the one that was stolen/lost. And it’s kinda pink, too. Like the iPod that Greg also got me.
So how weird is this? It was at Discovery Green. I have many more cool pics, but I don’t have my photo editing software installed yet–Sky has got to send it to me–and I don’t have the patience for Picnik right now.
That more or less sums up our trip to Houston. We were going to go and see the Nutcracker, but I waited too long to get tickets and they sold out. We were all happy, regardless. Apparently, I have found the magic amount of Ativan that enables me to NOT CARE that I am in the car in the middle of nowhere, other assorted stupid fears…I’ve stocked up so I can take more trips with this NOT CARING. I’m planning on going to Austin in two weeks. We’ll see! I’m so excited to actually be out doing stuff. The computer helps a lot as well. On the way to Houston, I worked on my app to grad school. It totally occupied my mind. As far as the data plan goes–well, that just didn’t pan out here in the boonies. Still, I have enough writing to do on my computer not to need it.
Sky came and went–I have photos but they are all turned the wrong way. It turns out that Sky is quite the artist. I would post his work here, but I’m worried about someone finding it and ripping it off. It is absolutely incredible art that could sell. I never knew. He never drew much growing up, but this stuff is all abstract, pattern-based stuff. He may have found his niche. He and Sage talked a lot, and when we went to the locally owned chicken fast food place, Sage said, “What a shame the government is putting places like this out of business.” Whaaat? He’s nine! I guess I just breed revolutionaries…
Have you ever felt as though you actually did something right as a parent? Getting a hammock for Sage’s room feels like one of those times. It was inspired by the fact that apparently someone else had already done so, and left some really heavy-duty eyehooks in the wall. I bought a huge (holds 750 pounds!) hammock that comes from somewhere in Mexico. It is so comfortable!
Sage decided that he was going to sleep in it at night. Last night, he was swinging away, tucked in there with blankets and books. Here he is this morning.
He did not want to get up at all. The whole thing reminds me of when he was a year old and the only way I could relax with him was by taking him outside and swinging with him in the hammock there. I think it still chills him out in that same way.
The blue blankie is how Varmint gets chilled out. She will go to whoever has the blanket near or on them. It is really soft and fuzzy. She always starts making biscuits…it’s like her blue blankie mama or something.
On another note, I dreamed I was a lion last night. I was creeping through the grass and woke up from adrenaline when I lunged at another lion. I’ve never dreamed I was another species before! Perhaps Varmint’s dreams are somehow influencing mine…
I’ve been having these little anxiety attacks for two days. They started yesterday, the official day that Sky turned 18. I know that it is most likely related in some way, although how, I’m not quite sure.
I operate using the philosophy of “if you love something let it go, and if it loves you (or is totally broke) then it will come back to you”. This has not worked out well with men in general, but it did with my son, and he didn’t even have to be broke to decide he wanted to live here again.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’ve already done the whole moving out thing–a year early–and he came back, and is still living here, so I don’t get what the big deal is. Maybe it’s the whole “OMG I’m the mom of a grown man” thing. I really don’t know.
I just dropped him off at the bus station so that he could go to San Antonio to visit his ex-girlfriend that gave him a pregnancy scare a couple of years ago. He won’t tell his dad he is going because he knows his dad will call him a fool. Yes, it is a foolish thing for him to be doing, but calling him foolish is not going to stop him from doing it. We talked about it, and he knows he is doing something stupid, but feels compelled anyway. It’s difficult to watch kids go through these things. At least she’s shipping out with the Navy in a week.
I’m done thinking about this, at least for the moment. I took some photos this morning. Here is a cute kitty picture. Varmint spent half the day under the house yesterday, and came back so happy and content. All she needed to do was return to her trashy wild kitty roots instead of living in a sterile apartment to be happy…
Here’s one of Sky and Sage. They love each other so much it blows my mind. No competition or ugly stuff–just admiration and love.
And here’s a pot of flowers. I have one on each side of the front steps going up to the porch. I bought the pots and flowers before I even got paint to start fixing up rooms in the house. A girl’s got to have priorities, and they make me happy.
