Why I Keep Blogging
Michelle on May 05 2008 at 11:22 pm | Filed under: The Personal
If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
Margaret was talking the other day about how sad it is when blog friends drop out of our lives. I’ve certainly experienced the same. But a few of you are still here, and right now in particular, that means the world to me.
You see, there really isn’t anyone I can talk to about what happened this weekend with Sky. Well, there’s my boss, who has a son with drug problems, but really, how much time does anyone have to sit around and chew the fat with their boss? Anyway, I don’t want her to see me cry. I can’t tell people at work about it, and the friendships I have here are fairly superficial. If I can make people laugh, then fine. Otherwise, there’s not much substance.
Here, I don’t have to make people laugh. I appreciate that beyond belief right now. I am really thankful for you all weighing in on the situation and providing support.
It was really traumatic. Yesterday, he was sitting at the table with me, and suddenly bursts into tears asking me, “Mom, when am I going to die?” Sage was right there, and it was just horrible. I fought back tears today just thinking about it. Seeing your child out of his mind, literally, is a glimpse straight into hell.
So, the task is…helping him to see his purpose. I stumbled into mine. I hope he can find his soon, because I believe a lack of purpose is what drives the escape from reality.
================================
On another note, we have been working like crazy to get the house ready. Sky is with me, and we are moving over there ASAP so he can get to work. We spent Sunday painting his room, and today, when I was on the phone with G., he said, “Don’t worry, let the men take care of it, Sweetmuffin.” Yes, Sweetmuffin is ironic. He and Sky are over there right now finishing up the trim, and I hope, tearing out the carpet.
Thank goodness I have that house with enough room for everybody and in a good spot for a kiddo with no car.
I’m just an old fart but I am here for you. Sorry if I keep giving advice when you have problems. You know, most teachers are “fixers”, myself included, and I feel a strong need to help fix problems when sometimes the best thing is for me to simply shut up and just listen. I need to work on that trait! Anyway, I hope that knowing someone cares out there in the cold cyberspace brings you a little comfort during the tough times. If I want to be entertained I’ll throw a good comedy on the DVD player. I listen to you because your life is real and you are struggling like the rest of us are in various ways.
I am really happy that your house is coming along. Wow, it sounds like a lot a work but it will all be worth it when you all finally can move in. What a sense of pride you will have!
I will be here as long as you are here. As a mom, it is devastating and scary to deal with drug issues. They make our children(and lives) so unpredictable. It would be especialy difficult to have no one to really discuss it with–and it’s hard to find people who aren’t judgmental. Since I’ve been through it with my brother, I can tell you that my family was solid, my parents were loving, they’ve been married for 53 years, NOTHING makes a difference. People want it to be something that SOMEONE has done wrong, but it often isn’t the case. In my brother’s, it was just who he was and his lack of confidence plus dreadful ability to pick friends and girlfriends. As families we have to deal with *crap* the best we can. I’m so relieved that you’ll have a good family place for everyone. Hugs.
It has to be tough not being able to really talk to people around you. We are all here to listen and offer our ears and support.
Glad the house is coming along and can’t wait to see the “finished” product. How fun is that they are working together on it.
I’m glad you have the house and have something to keep Sky occupied. Cry if you need to. I always find it cathartic. Keep blogging. Don’t let it fester inside you.
I still admire you enormously. I’d have no idea how to cope with even the tiniest of your problems.
Keep the faith, Michelle. I’m sorry for the incredibly painful times you are going through right now — and Sky … the boy is hurting. Keep on keeping on. I hope the house, the space, the work, the purpose, gives him something to hold onto - but the thing he needs most is your continued love, his little brother and any other supports he can get. Have you looked at getting him checked out by a psychiatrist? Not too worry you more, but the comment about dying and all that surrounds that, might indicate a level of depression that needs professional care.
Email if you want to talk more.
Also, had a bad person trolling around my site & had to set-up a new one … http://www.janepoet.blogspot.com –sending you peace and love, xx, JP/deb