Sky Gets His First Apartment…
Michelle on Aug 02 2007 at 4:13 am | Filed under: The Personal
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I suppose I should rename this site, “The Heavy, Depressing, Self-Involved Blog”. Between this site and the other one, it is like having a split personality. I love this blog, though, because here I do not ask myself the question, “What would my readers most enjoy reading?” It is what it is, and that takes the pressure off. Until Bloggrrl, I never appreciated how nice it is simply to write my thoughts out without thinking too much about it. That said, I really do appreciate the ten or so of you who come here, because this is the real me.
I keep feeling this void, the “box” phenomena, and I believe I’m beginning to understand where it is coming from. Sky is moving out. We moved the first boxes today, and he is spending the night over at his new place. It is about three miles away, and he is living with friends whom I “approve” of. He will now be right across the street from the college, which will be nice, as he rides a bike. He has wanted to live independently for years, and now he is beginning to do so.
I’ve seen bits of uncertainty crop up on his part. He is worried about how much certain food items cost, and how to cook them. He is asking me a lot of questions about how this whole business of being responsible for oneself works.
Lord I’m going to miss that boy being around me every day. Even though we are often on our respective computers, having his presence has been so nice, and so taken for granted. Until recently, I have tried not to think of the day when he would leave my house.
Yall know I’m lonely in this town, and so far, my son and my dad are the only people here whom I can really talk to. I mean, discussing social, political, economic theories and sharing the same sense of twisted humor. So part of the reason for this sadness that I feel is pure selfishness–I want to have more intellectual company. In my heart, I know that he will be fine on his own, as he is very capable. But still. It is sad somehow, and it makes me feel old.
I’m so glad to have Sage. He is joy incarnate. It is not as innocent of a relationship that I had with Sky, however. In the back of my mind, I am aware that he too will change, grow, and move away from me. It’s easy not to think about that with a first child.
The other part of the loneliness is spiritual neglect. I believe, but I don’t believe what most people believe. I don’t give a flip about dogma and religion, and shut down whenever I’m around it. It doesn’t mean that it (God) goes away though. It is just difficult to find a way to express it, nurture it. I’m enjoying reading some of Ghandi’s writings at the moment. His writings touch me. Without nurturing this side of me, I risk falling into an abyss of cynicism and despair over the state of things in the world today. Shoot, merely renewing my passport with the new RFID chips gave me fits and put me in a bad mood for two days. Thankfully, after reading a couple of historical novels dealing with the Tutor period, I again realized that things are not sooo bad. Religious political manipulation, greed and control of the populace are nothing new. So you look for the positive around you. For me, this is where faith must come in, and that can be difficult.
Good Things:
I washed Salsa, brushed her hair and took her beautiful doggy self out for a walk; she looked majestic.
Sage shows such sweetness every day. I am blessed to have such a loving child.
Life does offer quite a few options, and I love that freedom.
I’ve been drinking tons of Fiji water–so good, healthy–I love that stuff.
We have everything we really need, and a lot we don’t.
I’ve been communicating with so many people from around the world, many more than usual, and I love what I am learning about different cultures, for example, Malaysian.
I’m learning how to make money from this writing/blogging hobby of mine. (More freedom!)
Two days ago, Sky told me, “You’re different from my friends’ moms–you read books (this is apparently a great rarity here), and I can talk to you about stuff that matters.” When I asked him if he could talk to his friends about esoteric things, he laughed and said they would tolerate him for a few minutes and then change the subject. While it is unfortunate that he experiences the same sense of intellectual alienation that I do in this town, it was perhaps the highest complement I’ve ever received.
Well. There are my thoughts. I had to write them before I could sleep tonight in this house with one less person living in it.
ITK code for Singing The Sky:
As we don’t have children I can’t imagine what it must be like to have one move out of the house. In a way I suppose it must be a little like a death in the family. At the same time, I’m sure you must feel a sense of hope for him as he spreads his wings and flies for the first time.
You and I have some of the same angst concerning religion. When I have those feelings I usually turn to my Transcendental roots and reread works by Thoreau. He has a nicely blunt, direct way of connecting God with the world around us. Try checking out Walden and reading it, even if you’ve already read it before. There are levels of depth there that I am just now beginning to appreciate after reading it many, many times.
we will hold each other’s hands as we endure that most painful transition in being moms . . . when our babies leave the nest. My daughter hasn’t moved out yet, but she is now driving, starting college in a couple of weeks and working part-time. I have a feeling that if her boyfriend had a decent job, she would also probably be looking to move out.
You have a great relationship with Sky - he will want to come back home to be with mom, probably on a pretty regular basis! For that, you should be very proud of your accomplishment in raising such a great, young man.
we will hold each other’s hands as we endure that most painful transition in being moms . . . when our babies leave the nest. My daughter hasn’t moved out yet, but she is now driving, starting college in a couple of weeks and working part-time. I have a feeling that if her boyfriend had a decent job, she would also probably be looking to move out.
You have a great relationship with Sky - he will want to come back home to be with mom, probably on a pretty regular basis! For that, you should be very proud of your accomplishment in raising such a great, young man.
I can move in if you want, before my house kersplodes completely.
I could always move in, after my house has completely kersploded.
I don’t think anyone can truly connect with who we are except a child or a parent. (not always–but sometimes) They share our life, our blood and so much history. It was very difficult when Ashley left for college, especially for her dad. They are very close. I think she understands him better than I do; they are very alike. However, Ashley and I have grown closer with her out of the house, and me respecting her independence. She does ask more for advice, and listen to me carefully when I make suggestions about how to do or handle things. I would say that it’s a double edged sword. I miss her every day, yet I doubt that we could live together all the time. She’s 21 and has her own life. And that’s what we rear them for, agonizing as it is.
I know the day is coming relatively soon that my 21-year-old son will move out. He hasn’t been able to afford to yet with college and a low-paying restaurant job, but it’s coming. There are times I really look forward to it (I’d love to make his room into a stained glass studio!) But I also know that it will be very difficult for me when it happens. He’s my one and only. I don’t quite know what to expect when he does — will he WANT to come by and hang out? I have a hunch we’ll become somewhat strangers and the idea of that makes me really sad.
Dear Mich … geez, babe, I’m just catching up on things and dear Sky is moving out. Wow. I know that these transitions are inevitable, but I also know that it’s tough. I’m so glad that you have sweet Sage at home & you’re right about the second (or third or more) … we have an appreciation after knowing what’s coming along and savour each moment in a very different way.
Glad you have this blog to speak your truth. xx, Deb
I hope Sky is settling in to his new place OK, and you are adjusting to the transition.
Wow, what a transition! I can barely get my head around having to leave my baby at daycare after 6 weeks or so. Of course, the baby has to arrive first! You’ve done a great job raising him.