Little Lost Girl Whines
Michelle on Mar 31 2007 at 4:08 am | Filed under: The Personal
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I got an email from my dad today linking me to his new website, which features his theological writings and a fairly detailed bio accompanied by a photo that I took. For obvious reasons, I don’t feel comfortable linking to that site, but reading the bio was both illuminiating and depressing. In it, my dad details his conversion to Christianity, his various degrees and positions held, living in anonymous place in Texas with beloved wife and having fun going to the beach.
The most immediately obvious peculiarity was that my dad goes to the beach maybe once a year. Almost every weekend, both of my parents go gamble in Louisiana, which doesn’t leave much time for the beach. The next thing I noticed is that there was absolutely no mention of his kids or grandkids. Most bios I read that include information about personal things like vacation interests also mention great times with grandkids, etc. In my dad’s bio, it is as though we never existed in the landscape of his life.
He was never interested in us when we were growing up, and even though my brother and I both live here now, apparently we are not on his radar. It hurt my feelings. My parents used to brag on me a lot when I was the director of a program for a metropolitan Texas county. After I left that position, they bragged that I used to be the director for a while, and now that I have been a regular teacher for a while and have ditched the idea of a Ph.D., they don’t brag at all.
I don’t dress right, I don’t spend enough time on my hair, I am overweight, and I do not keep a picture-perfect house. I have been married too many times, and have kids from two different husbands. Frankly, I am a failure in the eyes of my parents.
Okay, time to end the self-pity. I wanted to write that down, though, because I realized tonight that I have spent a lot of my life trying to gain their approval via my career, and now, I just don’t care as much, even though I wish that they were proud of me for who I am anyway.
Another mood enhancer this evening was the discovery that I have a new reader, Shaquanda, who left this thoughtful comment:
Michelle,
Girl please! For the love of God, please get some psychiatric help. Please! If not for me do it for yourself!
Isn’t that sweet? No valid email or web address of course. What on earth is wrong with people? Perhaps she is a lobbyist for the psychiatric industry. Or perhaps I should take her advice, who knows. The only problem is I don’t know who the hell she is, so I’m not sure how I could benefit her. Hmm.
Tonight was Sage’s first baseball game. He already has a shiner from the ball hitting him in the eye. Ouch! He is sooo incredibly proud of his baseball uniform! They won the game 8-7, which he was really excited about.
Yesterday, when I was visiting Kamsin’s blog, I discovered the amazing Face Transformer site, which turned my chubby cheeks into a slim (aren’t they all?!) Modigliani. I remember my mom telling me that my dad threw out her Modigliani book when I was a kid because it was of the devil. I suppose I am having uncharitable memories since my feelings are bruised! Anyway, if you like playing with photos, it is a blast. The site gives you the opportunity to see what you might look like if you were a different ethnicity and other fun things as well.
The book I ordered, You On A Diet arrived today. I read the first chapter while eating an unnecessary bowl of cereal. Many people are now doing the Self Portrait Challenge. I think I should also do it, with the challenge being having the courage to look at my real self and not hide behind flattering camera angles or older photos. We’ll see.
Yall have a good weekend!
ITK code for Singing The Sky:
Oh! I have house guests arriving in NO TIME… but, as soon as I can… boy do I have something to say about all this!
Have a good evening and I’ll be back tomorrow to rant in your defense. (Email me that link… !)
Your feelings about your dad bring back some feelings I had about my own dysfunctional family relationships while growing up. Mom and dad are both gone now and I guess the good memories outweigh the bad. They do leave scars by some of the things they do, don’t they? I’m sorry you have your own scars to carry, but you also have a lot to be thankful for such as Sage. I guess we can only live our own lives but knowing that doesn’t make it easier to ignore it when parents don’t appreciate us. I would say ‘ignore it’, Michelle, but that’s too trite and simplistic of an answer. Hopefully just talking about it helped you to get some of the feelings out.
As for the anonymous ‘get help’ person, they sound like someone who believes that MySpace is a center for cultural enhancement. Possibly a future Darwin Award recipient?
Congrats to Sage for his win and shiner!
I think I like the original photo of you much better. *grin*
I’ve had the same issue with my mother … and finally have given up on seeking the approval or having the kind of relationship I would have hoped to have had with my mom. But you know what? I can give my kids what I wasn’t given & that’s pretty damn great! As far a multiple marriages, I’m on my third and feelin’ it’s a charm!
Try not to get down on yourself babe. I also bought the You on a Diet book but it’s been sitting on the bookshelf unopened for months! I think I’m prefering Me Not on a Diet.
By the way, my daughter looked over my shoulder while I was perusing your blog and she thought Sage looks cute!
Thanks for the link to the Face Transformer - what fun! Hugs, JP
Bloglines stopped showing me your posts, so I thought you had stopped posting. Stupid Blogines.
It looks like you’ve made the big time - you’re getting unsolicited advice from insensitive morons. Congratulations!
Hmm. I may have a crack at the face changing doodad…
I don’t know why, but there is something about that demographic with academics that completely ignore mentioning their family life or even talking about it. It’s a very crazy notion that is pervasive with that set.
However, that doesn’t take the sting away, does it? Your parents sound familiar, in many ways! It took me so long to realize, that my definition of success wasn’t my parent’s and that they resented me for it. It’s fueled a lot of tears and conversations with my younger (and favored) brother. My parents had such a hard time when I stopped pursuing an academic career because it left them bereft of an identity for meWhat I’ve come to, if only tenously with regards to my parents, is that I don’t choose to define myself by what I “do” or with any label. . When I became a mother they latched onto that label and now that’s the only way they can see me. However, I don’t view the world that way! I’m not a “Christian” or a “mother” or an “Academic”. Instead, I see those labels as avenues to becoming my best self. These avenues aren’t definitions of myself, but tools and experiences to make me who I am becoming. I refuse to be hemmed in with a definition. Sure, I’m changed drastically by those experienced… but they aren’t ME! Not in a “my work is who I am” kind of way. And I think those people out there who identify so deeply with any one thing, have a hard time finding a way to see past that bias. It’s my parents’ loss that they only see one aspect of my life. This grieves me, but I’m not about to be reduced to their paradigm of being in the world…I fought too hard to be free.
So… hold the faith, Michelle. It hurts like hell to come to a voice that isn’t always appreciated by those you wish could hear it! But, it’s worthwhile, as I suspect you already know.
As for Sage! ROCK ON KID!
I think many men identify who they are with what they do, especially in our parents’ generation. (And maybe still, at least somewhat). Sounds like your dad is the epitome of that mind-set.
Isn’t it weird how we can be complete adults, have been for a while, have lived the intense ups and downs of the adult world, and still feel the need to have the approval of our parents? I dealt with that with my mom, who was very domineering and controlling. She lived vicariously through me and since she never embraced motherhood herself, she basically came unglued when I made the decision to get pregnant at the age of 29. You would have thought I was 15, she was so aghast and so disapproving. In the course of counseling in my mid-30s in the aftermath of an ugly divorce, the impact of my mother’s influence over me emerged as a defining element. I was advised to write her a letter expressing absolutely everything — and I did. It was over 30 pages long! Typewritten! But I never sent it (which was also part of the advice). Just getting it out there, in perspective, with all the intense RAGE….put it to bed for me. I stopped sharing every minute detail of my life with her, kept things to myself, took control over my own life, and stopped allowing her any ammunition. I also read an excellent book called “The Dance of Anger”. It’s amazing what controlling people will stoop to in order to try to keep controlling. Once that “dance” had taken its last spin, my mom and I got along really well — on MY terms! (And she ended up being a total, loving, basketcase about her grandson).
P.S. Sage looks absolutely adorable (I mean MANLY) in that baseball uniform!
I love Sage’s uniform and his beaming face! Parents are very complicated; my folks don’t want to hear anything negative about my life or children, only the positive. It makes especially my mom very uncomfortable. I think she has always wanted to fix things and whatever she can’t, she’d like to sweep under the carpet. A generational thing? I can understand how you feel–but you are making a great life for yourself. No one’s life is perfect or even close. (obviously your dad is trying to remake his into that–or pretend that he doesn’t go gambling all the time) It would be funny, if it weren’t so sad.
Sage has the best smile! And glad you enjoyed the face transformer thingie! I think I was enjoying Self Portrait Challenge last month because I didn’t have to post anything that really looked like me, I think photography for me is seeing what I want to more than what is really there. Anyway, it is a challenge to look at yourself and not hide behind camera angles or photoshop!
As for all the other stuff, I guess I have been lucky in my Mum, that she accepts her children for who they are, and is more than happy to cover her blog in photos of her kids and grandkid! But she lived her whole life wanting her mother’s approval, and in perverse manner she has finally got it now my grandmother is totally senile and dependent on my Mum in a really childlike way, so in some warped way my Mum is finally fulfilling her role as a daughter. Which is just as messed up. So I guess my point would be to make sure your boys know how much you think of them. I’ve always been blessed in knowing I didn’t have to prove myself to my parents (not that my Dad in particular hasn’t given me other issues to deal with). Anyway, the comment about the beach made me laugh, so easy to live the life you want in your online persona I guess, which makes you that little bit above him in that I always feel like I get the real you here on your blog, so thanks for being honest!
Damn, when did that kid get so big?!