Stuff I Don’t Like To Talk About
Michelle on Feb 21 2007 at 1:13 am | Filed under: The Personal
If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
I haven’t been spending as much time blogging lately, and I think it is because the things that are on my mind are things that I’d rather not think about too much. Things like binge eating, which I have been doing too much. I am not managing stress well. I did order a bellydancing DVD for myself, and a breakdancing one for Sage, so hopefully I will begin to do something about it, and it was more than just wishful thinking when I ordered that brand of motivation.
I appropriated this picture, but it might as well be me. She even has my fantasy hairstyle.
The more I draw away from my soon-to-be-ex-husband (now to be referred to as Stubeh, as proposed by my blogger buddy Deborah), the more he seems to be drawn towards me. Suddenly, he is too available, willing to do anything for me. Would that this had been the case when we were married or even when I was moving! I am becoming more and more convinced that his illness is based on his state of mind, since when he is actively wooing me, he has the energy to do things.
I told him yesterday that I would not be a booty call. It depresses me (and paradoxically, relieves me) that we have no future together.
Today, I discovered what a shallow bitch I can be. I was waiting at the place where Sky’s group lets out, and he pulled up in his pick-up. I thought he was going to drop Sage off with me after having practiced baseball with him (a very recent thing), and instead, he stood there talking, and apparently presumed that he was going to come over to the house and eat with us. He had food that he had picked up, and I felt irritated as he took my money for my kids’ part. ALL I could think about was getting him out of there. I let it slip that I felt embarrassed.
Okay. Yes, I was embarrassed. I don’t want my students, who are also in this group, and their parents, to wonder why I am with someone who looks two steps away from homelessness. He just doesn’t look like he gives a shit, you know? Dirty boots, dirty hat, just an overall look of grunge.
Shoot, who am I to judge? Maybe someone would be embarrassed to be seen with my binging fat ass in public. I hate that I am being like this. I did some damage control by explaining that I was embarrassed by the entire situation of having to be there at my son’s group in the first place, and that I didn’t want the kids knowing my business. He pointed out that I could have said that he was my son’s dad dropping him off, and I realized that no way would I want to tell the kids that. I frequently ask myself what I saw in him (his past self, I believe) and can’t comprehend how anyone could ever understand.
So here I am faced with my out-of-control eating and trying to cut off this relationship without hurting his feelings, and bungling it up quite horribly, and worrying that my actions may affect his relationship with Sage, and worrying about his being a role model for Sage while at the same time wanting Sage to have a relationship with the man he knows as “Dad”. I am being a mess!
Work is nice. I administered TAKS today, and things went swimmingly, no small feat at an alternative school!
I have not ordered any chairs. I went to order the cool white ones that most of you said looked the best, and they were out of stock. I guess lots of other people liked them too. It may be a good thing that I did not order them, as the washer has been slowly breaking down, and the dryer was going to cost $150 to fix. So, since they were ten years old, I bought a new set. I was not overjoyed to spend money on a washer and dryer, but I know I should be grateful that I had the money to spend, and I am.
As a public service, I will include some tips that I have learned this week:
1. Sprinkling catnip on your bathroom rug can prevent the cat from peeing on it for an entire week.
2. Oven cleaner (lemon-scented) works well to get dog vomit stains out of the carpet. I discovered this not through experimentation, but through a blind exhaustion that prevented me from grabbing the correct can of toxic chemicals. It also makes your carpet smell good.
If I can just keep Sky from smoking this stuff, it’ll all be good.
Peace, yall. Maybe I’ll find a bit myself. Send some “resolution” thoughts my way…. =)
I am often embarrassed by my husband because he never worries about how he looks. GRUNGE to the max. So, I know how you feel. I have been in kind of a funk lately, but I can’t really explain why. Is it the weather, the time of the year, the kids??
Oh, Michelle. I’ll so be sending you resolution thoughts. Walking away from the toxic is hard work… it is! And it’s taxing and exhausting and sometimes, it feels pointless. But, it is worthwhile work and I hope you have people around you to hold you in the middle of it. It does work out. It does!
Huh. I wonder if that works with cat sick too?
PS. I sent you some actual distilled *resolution* in the post. I don’t know your address, but I thought, Hey, how many Michelles can there be in America?
You’re doing so well, don’t you dare feel ashamed of your actions!
With all that you have on your plate, you are handling things just fine. One thing at a time. At some point you’ll probably say “enough with the cheetos already!” (heh heh) Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Good luck with the DVDs. As an exercise wannabe I have a nice collection of kick boxing, aerobics, and yoga. Some day I’ll have to actually watch them!
I don’t think you are shallow, M., just human. Remember that kids go through stages of life where they are trying out new things. I’m sure my mom cringed when I went out wearing my flowered belt, Nehru shirt, and love beads. I looked like a reject from a pot farm but it was a lot of fun being different. We all get over it sooner or later. Take care and have a good week. Also, thanks for the kind words about Casper.
Don’t worry about binge-ing. I just try to love myself the way I am. I was trying to lose some pregnancy weight before we tried again, but I’m so tired from work lately, I’m ready to throw in the weight loss towel. R is coping with depression literally with ramen and twinkies - not my best role model these days.
Eat an energy bar, drink a smoothie, and take a cheeto-less bath. Let Stubeh or the SH sit in his own stink, away from you.
what? the whole comment I wrote just disappeared…
do people really smoke catnip? anyway, I think you’re great. leave stubeh to his own stink. don’t worry about the food. I was so gun-ho about losing the pregnancy weight before we started trying again, but I’m so tired from work these days, I am just about to throw in that exercise towel.
Chin up, chica.
oops.