Anticipation
For Sunday Scribblings.
I have lost the joyful anticipation of a child, and that of happier adults, although even as a child, I don’t remember being particularly carefree. Perhaps that is a myth of childhood. In my mind, anticipation is an evil creature that lurks at the edge of my being, causing my heart to race, my stomach to rotate with nausea, and me to avoid things that I should embrace.
This morning, Husband stopped by the house to help me with the rather daunting morning routine of getting the kids ready, walking the dog, and the other twenty-forty things that have to be done before we can walk out the door. When he said that he would give the dog her “pee-pee” medicine, which stops her incontinence, I imagined that he would accidently wrap three of my similar-appearing Klonopin in the sandwich meat we trick her with. I thought about the dog being utterly stoned all day long.
Then I imagined what would happen if I mixed them up the other way. I would be really nervous all day and maybe wouldn’t be able to pee. Weird. Often, though, my thoughts take more sinister tones.
My dad is fond of telling me that 99.9 percent of the things I worry about never happen. This is true. It still doesn’t seem to help, though. Sometimes it is as if worry is a tailsman providing some protection. This, of course, is untrue. Other advice he gives is to drink some tequila. I think his advice is wise on both counts.
I have a great deal of anticipatory anxiety. Last week, I went to the dentist. I made myself a nervous wreck beforehand, because I had just happened to read this freak thing on the Internet about what can happen when anethesia goes wrong. Everything was fine.
I worry about driving. I imagine that the car will break down. I imagine that my anxiety will cause my heart to flutter and we will be out in the middle of nowhere with no place to go for help. I imagine that we will get caught in a horrible storm and the car will be struck by lightning, skid off of the road or sucked into a tornado. I anticipate being anxious. Anticipating anxiety, needless to say, makes it worse. No one looks forward to anxiety, and isn’t that what anticipation is–looking forward? My mind has subverted the phrase.
I wonder what it is about me that has made me frequently anticipate the worst. Is it brain chemistry? Upbringing? A general pattern of negative thinking that I can change?
I am glad the anticipation has not always been catastrophic. I anticipated getting both degrees. I anticipated having both of my children, surprisingly without dread of childbirth. Without anticipation, little is possible. But with too much of it focused in the wrong direction, the same is true.
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Here’s hoping you can bring your anticipation into more positive spheres. For me I feel it begins with trusting in God. Yes, our world is in a mess. But you know he anticipated this. And that’s why he came to do something about it. I read this phrase sometime last week and it’s been accompanying me ever since. I hope it helps you.
When creation groans and crops fail,
or chldren are born crippled,
we are forced back on the lamb slain,
before the creation of the world;
we are forced back into the everlasting arms of a God
who chose to create because he knew
he had the power to redeem whatever creation should come to.
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Perhaps one definition of depression is that we are no longer able to anticipate good things happening and a light at the end of our particular tunnel. But as I read on a blog somewhere today ‘It is always darkest just before dawn’. I agree with what papyrus wrote, I sincerely hope and pray that you can find your way into your Creator’s loving arms. I also hope that the medication helps if that is what you need to balance out the brain chemicals again. Remember , you are loved and nothing is ever quite as bad as our fear of it makes it seem.
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I understand this. I too anticipate in the “wrong” direction. I place worry on top of worry and before you know it I’m half way down the road, freaking out over something that hasn’t even happened yet, and may never happen. I had this thought in my car the other day – I worry and anticipate pain and misery so I have something to concentrate on, so I can avoid actually living life. Oh, and why don’t I anticipate wonderful things and go halfway down THAT road? I just don’t. So I get nervous and have anxiety attacks over nothing at all. Some days I think about this old lady I saw sitting on a fence outside her house. When faced with misery and worry and anxiety I think to myself, when I am that old lady sitting on the fence, is this actually going to matter to me? I doubt it. It will all be part of the rich tapestry of my life. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
Happy holidays to you.
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You may have lost the feeling of joyful anticipation, but the great thing about all lost things, is that they can always be found again. It’s out there somewhere, waiting for you. I grew up in a beautiful garden ripe with hidden landmines, so I know all about the anticipation of danger, always lurking in the corner, no matter how wonderful things seem. But I guess somewhere in my DNA I also inherited the eternal optimist gene, so no matter how dark things get, how deep the pit seems, there’s always a glint, a spark, somewhere out there that I can reach for. Keep reaching.
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my youngest suffers from anxiety – it got so bad two years ago, that he was refusing to go to school. My medical provider is Kaiser and they have this great program that we went through to help my son deal with his anxiety. You can search for information by going to google and typing in “Dr. Fear.” He has books that I think may prove useful. His workshop is for both children and adults.
My youngest is currently on a very small dose of prozac (10mg), which has also helped. However, we really had to work him through not worring so much about the “what ifs.” If you ever need to talk to someone whose been on the other side of this, I hope you know you can e-mail me. (Also, interesting family history, both my sister and my mom suffer from anxiety as well. This is usually something that runs in families.)
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That photo could come straight out of one of my nightmares. I grew up in Germany where there aren’t any tornados, yet this storm occupied my childhood fears for the longest time.
I can relate to a lot you talk about in this post; especially the bit about worry being a talisman protecting you. It makes no sense at all, of course, but I totally get that. To me it’s also about not wanting to be “caught out” when a bad thing happens, as though it will be easier to cope if I am “prepared”. Not sure if that’s true though, and as your dad says, 99.9% of the stuff we worry about never happens.
I also get the heart racing, or palpitations as I call them. Have had them since the age of 14 when I drove myself crazy with anxiety because I was convinced that I had a serious heart condition. Which I kept from everyone until I had a nervous breakdown at 17 and my heart was tested and it was fine. Psychosomatic was the diagnosis. Doesn’t make it any less unpleasant and scary.
I once read an interesting article in the Oprah magazine about a woman whose fears literally locked her into her home, in an attempt to avoid all experiences that might cause her unpleasant feelings of anxiety, thus paralizing her life. The gist of the story was to make choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear. In other words: get on a plane not because you are convinced it won’t crash, but because meeting your friends or family is worth a few hours of terror.
Take care,
Kerstin
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I completely understand the tendancy to create anxiety out of anticipation – but pushing through it and trying to anticipate more pleasant things (instead or in addition) is really worth it. You’d be surprised how liberating it is just to give yourself a little break. Every tiny effort helps.
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Love your dad’s advice!