Happy Christmas Family
This is Happy Christmas Family. It is what I want. The threat to it is what has caused horrific jealousy, expensive destruction and a complete loss of objectivity. I look at this picture and I feel all warm and glowish inside. Things can be good. Perhaps I focus too much on the negative….who me? I don’t want another go ’round with myself and the kids on our own. I feel crazy lonely and failed and used up and ten thousand other unnamed feelings.
I have been spending lots of time with Husband. This is why I haven’t posted anything ugly in the past few days. I am trying not to be the nasty, negative, jealous person I can be. Surely this can be a rough spot that can be gotten through? The cheating with BS was emotional, not physical, and I really shouldn’t trip when I flirt with people like Colombian guy by using IM anyway.
I lied. I said in a previous post that I wouldn’t have anything more to do with him or the entire situation. Sorry. I am untrustworthy in affairs of the heart. The idea of losing him in a permanent way absolutely made me lose my head. Being “Sorta Separated” was one thing….being forever separated completely another. I am so embarrassed by my flaky behavior that I will probably skip the appointment with my therapist tomorrow. She will wonder why I have changed my mind, and I will sound crazy trying to explain. However, embarrassment won’t stop me from trying to figure it out over here. You guys have been through rough spots in life. I think most of you will understand, or at the least, find my writing to be a relief, as in, “Wow, I am so thankful I am not like that woman!”
Allow me to present a more compassionate point of view than I have previously posted. When we moved here, my husband had lost his job. We then came into contact with hostile in-laws–a first. He works for his dad, an individual who does not provide health insurance for his own son, and is a controlling sumbitch. My opinion–his son would defend him to the death, and has, almost to the death of our relationship. Lesson learned: Daddy is perfect. My mother and he have butted heads almost since day one. We lived in my brother’s one bedroom room house until he came back from Florida, and then in a rundown fixer-upper that no one knew how to fix. Electricity was a luxury. I was under stress from my own changes in job status, etc., and both of us left friends behind. Moving here triggered most of the major life stressors on the stress scale.
Not to say that the move hasn’t had its upside, because it has. Just that sooo many new things to deal with thrown onto this marriage were more than both of us could take. And, it has been more than he can take. He is now on the same meds I am on and used to be on, and I wouldn’t wish the feelings that precipitate having to take those meds on my worst enemy.
I think I have been unsupportive, mean and too hard on him. He did his share in the mean department as well. I JUST CAN’T GIVE UP. I’m not ready to give up. I want it to work. I want the things that we used to share together back. Over the Thanksgiving Holiday, that has begun to happen. I still love him, and that sucks sometimes because I don’t want to get hurt. He can hurt me worse than anyone else. How does a person learn not to feel so much? One thing I have decided is that I should stop running from my feelings because of this fear of hurt, or even the reality of it. I should toughen up.
Other people have done it. Gone through hell in their marriages and came back somehow. I hope it can happen for me.
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You are an amazingly wonderful, and caring person. I hope it works out; if it means so much and you care for him, you NEED to try to make it work. (without destroying yourself in the process) I completely understand. Sending you all my good thoughts and love!
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It is important to give it a good try at making it work. Otherwise, you’ll always have that “what if” question in your mind. I’ll always be on your side, whatever you decide. Love isn’t always easy, and maybe loving someone is deciding to stick it out with a person through thick and thin. Keep us updated.
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Michelle–if you need this for you, then you should do it. I will tell you from my own marriage, that you can come back from the brink–stronger than you imagined. But, it doesn’t happen overnight or without more work than conceivable. It takes TONS of talking. In retrospect, I wish we had gotten help sooner. And we’ve vowed never to go through that process w/o help again.
Like Margaret, I’m holding good thoughts and love–remember to take care of YOU in the process.
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There is nothing wrong with wanting your marriage to work! You know all of us will stand behind you. And Wende is right, you can come back stronger than you ever thought possible but it is a lot of work. But then again all marriages are. Mike and I almost split up when we moved to NC. There was so much stress between the move, work for him, me finding a decent job there, and my father passing away. But you know, we worked it all out and we have the strongest relationship. I never thought I could have this type of marriage but it happened. It can happen for you too…both of you have to work on it though and it sounds like you are. Sending you all my best and lots of hugs and support!
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I hope it works out for you, too. You both need to want it to work, though — and the help/counseling that Wende talked about would likely be a very positive step. And if it isn’t destined to work out they way you want, counseling can help you get through that, too. (Yeah, been there…)
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I wish I could offer you some advice, but I really don’t have any. I definately don’t think you are making a mistake to try to work things out, though. If you can patch it up and make it work, both of you will be the better off for it. I’m wishing you the best.
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Wow, I don’t know if I’m the right person to comment on this post. I think it is admirable that you want the relationship to work. If he wants the same thing then you both will find a way. I’ve been with my wife for 39 years total but we’ve had our bad times as well. I suppose the key is to find a reason to stay that doesn’t make you want to run screaming into the night with feelings of self-betrayal. Life is full of choices and ultimately you have to do what makes you complete and happy. May you find that path, Michelle.
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Michelle, it’s perfectly normal for you to want your marriage to work. And it is possible for things to change. But I do think you both need to understand the importance of committing to each other for it to do so. You have to be strong here. Your husband can’t have it both ways. He has to understand that he can’t keep on seeing someone else, and you have to be strong here.