Obsession…More Than a Fragrance
Michelle on Nov 23 2006 at 12:47 am | Filed under: The Personal
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I am so crazy. There are times when knowing that one is nuts doesn’t mean that one isn’t nuts just because one knows it. Today, I tortured myself again by looking at myspace, and saw that X’s new profile, which he thinks is secret, has Bikini Skank’s (who will be referred to as BS in the future) picture in his numero uno space on his page. I am so, like, 13 years old. As a side note, I can see why there is criticism about myspace and the potential that it has to hurt teens. I am not handling the myspace drama well as an adult.
Still suffering from insane jealousy, I got into his email account, which he had not changed the password to. In my opinion, this shows trust that at this point is not at all warranted. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but at the same time, I don’t really care, either. Except for the part where it makes me not such a nice person. I deleted everything in there except for some junk in the inbox. All of the messages that I have sent him are gone, which makes me feel better.
What I would love to know is why the fuck am I doing this to myself???? I have been good for several days and not looked at his site. I wish there was a way to block myself from myspace. The only upside is that I literally lose my appetite for the rest of the day when I look at it. Have I mentioned that I have lost about fifteen pounds this month?
Okay, here’s getting down to brass tacks. Last Saturday, the Happy Christmas Family Saturday, I made el grande mistake of sleeping with him. It has been months. The sex rocked my world. It was about two hours later when he dropped the bomb on me about my blog. Sex is what got my brain ramped up into high emotional, temper-tantrum throwing gear. Stupid sex. Stupid decision on my part. I felt, literally, like I had been fucked, in the metaphorical sense even more than the physical.
Why on earth do I miss this guy? Why why why….
I am so fuckin’ lonely.
ITK code for Singing The Sky:
Well, do you want to know something sick? I still google and read about my ex-fiance from college? And I DUMPED him. I can’t explain it–morbid curiousity, memories, what? It makes me feel very junior high.
What is it about us girls that makes us do stuff like that? (Do boys do this, too? I’m thinking not so much). I ache for you — this is very painful. Maybe it’s therapeutic. You’ll get this icky stuff out of your system so that you can be “cleansed” to finally move forward to much better things (and people). You’ll know it when you get there, I just know you will.
I would say that it is not your ex that you are missing, but in fact it is an exciting relationship that you are missing. As soon as you find someone else that excites you, you will forget your ex in a heartbeat. And wonder why you ever cared about him.
Seriously, whyever you’re doing it, you should stop. I’ve seen people get into weird breakup mode and start doing things to each other’s stuff, then to each other, leading to more nastiness and retaliation and all. There are things you don’t want to know. And things you don’t want to do. Be good.
Sorry about that. Happy Thanksgiving. I wish you the best, I really do.
Hi, I think yo’ve answered your own question there. And I can understand you must be feeling lonely. Maybe that’s the thing you need to start attacking now. How to get new friends, lots of them. And not just online.