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Margaret was talking the other day about how sad it is when blog friends drop out of our lives. I’ve certainly experienced the same. But a few of you are still here, and right now in particular, that means the world to me.
You see, there really isn’t anyone I can talk to about what happened this weekend with Sky. Well, there’s my boss, who has a son with drug problems, but really, how much time does anyone have to sit around and chew the fat with their boss? Anyway, I don’t want her to see me cry. I can’t tell people at work about it, and the friendships I have here are fairly superficial. If I can make people laugh, then fine. Otherwise, there’s not much substance.
Here, I don’t have to make people laugh. I appreciate that beyond belief right now. I am really thankful for you all weighing in on the situation and providing support.
It was really traumatic. Yesterday, he was sitting at the table with me, and suddenly bursts into tears asking me, “Mom, when am I going to die?” Sage was right there, and it was just horrible. I fought back tears today just thinking about it. Seeing your child out of his mind, literally, is a glimpse straight into hell.
So, the task is…helping him to see his purpose. I stumbled into mine. I hope he can find his soon, because I believe a lack of purpose is what drives the escape from reality.
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On another note, we have been working like crazy to get the house ready. Sky is with me, and we are moving over there ASAP so he can get to work. We spent Sunday painting his room, and today, when I was on the phone with G., he said, “Don’t worry, let the men take care of it, Sweetmuffin.” Yes, Sweetmuffin is ironic. He and Sky are over there right now finishing up the trim, and I hope, tearing out the carpet.
Thank goodness I have that house with enough room for everybody and in a good spot for a kiddo with no car.
Oh man.
I called up Sky to see if he was ready to go out to eat, and he asked me if he could come over instead. He sounded bad on the phone, and I got really worried. When I got there to pick him up, he was a mess. Turns out he took 6 tabs of acid last night (I think) and is having a bad trip. I am “babysitting” at this very moment. I’m watching him out of the corner of my eye. Giving him the task of peeling potatoes was pretty effective, but we ran out and now I am at a loss.
It’s not terrible for him all the time, but he keeps bursting into tears and saying incomprehensible things that are dark and scary. He quits this NOW or I am going to get him into treatment. He told me that he wants to move back in, which is something that he has been talking about for a while, so I think he means it. At any rate, it is not much of a choice at this point. I think he is doing this sort of thing a lot, which to me means that he is having a difficult time with reality.
Reality at this point in time is that school did not suddenly become interesting once he started college and that it has been very hard for him to make friends that are in college doing something with their lives. Some of this has to do with the school, which attracts low-income people with attractive benefit packages. It is not known for having an intellectual crowd, as Sky would like.
At any rate, I don’t know what to do. He wanted to move to Portland, OR if we went with him, but I told him that I did not feel I could manage that as a single parent. The support system I have here is good. He doesn’t want to move on his own, but his doesn’t like this town. I can’t say I blame him. There are some things that it takes years to appreciate, and even I have difficulty making good friends here. I do think that he needs some goals. Right now, they’re pretty vague: Move away from here someday.
He definitely needs purpose. He’s such a smart guy. He’s told me that he doesn’t feel motivated. This feeling is not just drugs–he has been undermotivated since puberty. He also has to contend with ADD.
I seem to be good at helping other people’s children. I need to help my own. I need to find a place to start.
Update: This has been hell. He also took ketamine. He’s into some serious shit.
I’ll tell ya what, something that can really take the fun out of blogging is doing those paid posts. I’ve made almost $4000 at this point, which has helped considerably, but I miss my hobby! I’m not even sure where my camera is right now!
I suppose it doesn’t matter where my camera is, because I could not take pictures of the events below anyway.
1. I finally got hit by a kid. I mean, it seemed inevitable. I’ve been working with disturbed kids for many years, and I think I’ve been very fortunate. Until last week, anyway. I walked into a melee in the office and tried to help. A kid snatched the phone away from my principal, was moving file cabinets around, and shoving the other teacher in there. My presence didn’t help much. The kid wouldn’t leave the room, as we asked but continued to be violent. One of our aides came in, a solid man who used to be a boxer, and put the kid in a good hold. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a “proper school district approved” hold, and my boss, who at that point was standing in the corner, told him to let the kid go. The kid then came after our aide, who blocked every single punch and tried to get him in the school approved hold. The aide had one side of him, and I attempted to get the other side. Any illusions I had about being a strong woman have went straight out the window. The kid jerked his arm away from me and got me in the windpipe. I’m really glad that his aim was off.
The whole thing was just awful, and when it was clear the police were on the way, he ran. (Finally!) The police caught him down the road, and he attacked them too. No fear there. Scary! The kid’s mom was up at the school crying about her baby being in the back of a police car. It was difficult to have sympathy at that time… Anyway, I’m fine. The weird thing about the entire situation is that I never felt the slightest burst of adrenaline the entire time or afterwards. I don’t get that, since later that night there was a thunderstorm, and as usual, I woke up with my heart pounding.
2. I have successfully stuck with a diet for more than a week now. I decided to cut out all carbs, since I have been hungry constantly, even after eating. I started out by eating as much meat, cheese, etc. as I wanted so I wouldn’t be hungry. After two days, my appetite was gone. No more cravings, period. I’ve lost 6 pounds, mostly water at this point, I’m sure. At any rate, this is something I can do. I like not having to count calories and not being hungry all the time.
3. I am overwhelmed by moving and all that getting the house ready entails. To ice this cake, my mom told me that she no longer wants her storage unit, and that she is giving me everything in it so that I can sell it in a garage sale and have more money. I didn’t tell her this (mainly because I do need money), but at this point, I think I’d pay someone to deal with it all for me.
4. I have a horrible cold and/or allergies. I ran a fever, but it feels like allergies. Allergies gone wild. I picked up a prescription for Singulair this afternoon, because even a double dose of Zyrtec isn’t cutting it. I did go to sleep in my car at lunchtime today, however, and my students continue to remark that I look stoned. Sigh.
5. My cat is peeing on the carpet. I think she heard me talking about giving written notice to the apartment complex that we are moving. Goodbye deposit.
You can see why taking pictures for this post is not a good idea. No one wants to see a fat person cleaning up cat pee while their nose and eyes are running. If I could have taken pictures of the first incident, I would have, because they would be interesting. Another one of our aides watched the entire thing through the window, her face pressed up against the glass. I kept wanting to laugh. Surreal…
Caveat: Things are not bad. It’s just not as interesting to write about the same old things that keep going right. Not that cat pee is all that interesting, but hey, it’s blogging!
I’ve been putting off signing my contract for a few days–I can’t say that I know why. Our secretary called me today and told me that she’d like it if I stayed and would I please turn it in.
So I asked a kiddo to take it down for me. I said, “Take it to the office if you feel like it, and if you think I shouldn’t teach here next year, then just chuck it in the trash.”
He grabbed the papers and started out the door.
“Miz G, I hope it never happens, but if my brother ever comes here, I hope you’ll be his teacher. So I’m turning it in.”
Of course I wasn’t serious when I made that comment (I don’t think), but that was a nice thing for him to have said. Even if I was “fishing” a bit.
So, I’m in for another year.
Last night I was tucking Sage into bed. He reached up, grabbed his dreamcatcher, and proceeded to give it a few good whacks.
I asked him what he was doing.
“I’m cleaning out the bad dreams so that there will be room for some more,” he said.
I didn’t ask where the old ones went. I imagined them, dried and shriveled, floating to the floor to be vacuumed up later.
We just had a quiet celebration at home with G., Sky, my parents and my brother. The friend who Sage was going to have spend the night didn’t show up because it turned out his dad was in town, and apparently the man microcontrols everyone’s life and wouldn’t let his son come. The kid’s mom was so embarrassed.
Anyway, here are some pics. This one is from a couple of weeks ago, when Sage went to church with the kid who was supposed to spend the night, A. He insisted on wearing a suit, because “Hispanics like to dress fancy”. I think it’s a genetic thing, as I’m still remembering his biological dad in his glittery shirts at the disco…
Sage decorated the cake with the strawberries. He wanted everything strawberry, even though it meant the cake would be pink. I think it’s cool that he doesn’t care about stuff like that. Of course, other kids don’t.
My brother had brought some trick candles over. It took several tries, and a lot of splattered wax, before they went out.
G. bought him a new bike, since he has outgrown the old one. He picked out the same exact model that he had before. Hey, if it works! He was a bit disappointed that he didn’t have a bigger party. I promised that we’d invite the entire class to the local gym party factory thing we have here next year. He seems cool with that. Meanwhile, I’m watching pennies because of the house.
I can’t believe he’s nine. Well, he won’t officially be until tomorrow. And he’ll be spending his birthday at school in in-school suspension. You see, he got mad at his gym teacher for making them run laps and made up a big huge story about how she cursed kids out and made them cry. He wanted her to get fired, he said, after the story was disproved my the principal, assistant principal and the other kids. Oh that was embarrassing. I see that I have a kid who does his bad stuff behind the scenes. I was the same way. Sneaky.
Other highlights of the week have been that he acted up during the states TAKS testing, and he got a magnet and ran it over the television, saying, “Hey Mom, isn’t this cool?!”
He didn’t get in trouble for the magnet thing because he really didn’t know. He knows now, and will be constantly reminded by the big blue spot that covers the lefthand bottom corner of the television. I informed him about the computer since we were discussing the wonders of magnets…
My dad thought it was hilarious.
My mother said he was lucky to be having a ninth birthday.
I’m hoping we have a smooth rest of the year.
I’m getting a house. We should close on it March 31st. Pictures first, details next.
I didn’t think to take a pic of the outside of the house, so here’s one from the realtor’s site.
Here’s a partial view of the living room.
My favorite room is the kitchen. I love the colors, and check out that old chimney! The house was built in 1920, by the way. A cool thing is that I can see the brick streets of historic downtown from my front porch.
The bathroom, although small, has a clawfoot tub that looks like a well-kept original.
Here’s a partial pic of the dining room. The house also has three bedrooms and a sunporch. I’m not posting all of the pictures. The sunporch needs work, though. It opens up to the backyard, coming up soon… I’m wondering how much the guy would take for the piano. It’s got to be a hassle to move that thing.
The backyard is a landscapers dream. It has a fountain and bamboo! I love the patina on the old bricks. It is so shady. The seller strung party lights between the trees as well. 
So, what do you think? It is within walking distance to my job and Sage’s school. Facing the house is a city park–the same one they set off fireworks in on holidays. It’ll be a great show from the porch! It will need central heat and air at some point–window units aren’t my favorite thing, although I do like old space heaters.
I felt pretty nervous putting down the earnest money. This means that I’m not going to Portland, anywhere in Mexico or the American Southwest. This is where Sage and I need to be right now, though. I can be at peace with that.
Well, Google busted this blog’s PR down to 0 as well for my sin of doing paid advertisements, which they see as paid links. That means I don’t get to do any more ads for this site. What I don’t get is why they don’t go after the sites that facilitate it, who have nice PRs of 7, for example. Bloggrrl got demoted from a 0 to an N/A, which I really HOPE doesn’t mean that they are going to take me off the search engine radar. That would suck.
Although I’ll miss the money from the ads, I’m happy to get MY blog back. I never intended to use Singing the Sky to make money, but once I figured out I could make a grand a month doing this, it was pretty hard to resist.
Anyway, real writing is back! It’ll be nice to take a break from all that while I scheme new ways to make money online. 
Whenever I tell people what I do, the response tends to be, “What a tough job. I couldn’t do that. Are you scared of the kids?” and things like that. It is easy to bask in the glow of feeling somehow “tougher” than people who don’t work with kids who have attacked people, but I think people who have first responder jobs have a way more admirable job and have to be way tougher than I am. They also have to have a better handle on their stress than I do, I’m sure! If you’re the sort of person who is good in a crisis (a pretty much ongoing one), then you might be interested in obtaining
emergency first responder training.
If you’re already a first responder, you definitely have my admiration! Are you aware that you can easily get continuing education at the National Paramedic Institutes’s site through Medic Monthly? Modules feature case-based learning, streaming video and other online materials to keep it interesting. Each module is worth 1.5 continuing education credits. It is insanely affordable, with each credit only costing seven dollars. There are package deals that you can buy for the year that are even a better deal, and not only is it offered to individuals, but the whole department can get on board.
There is information on the National Paramedic Institute site regarding each state’s accreditation requirements, as well, so all of the information you need is at your fingertips.
So last night, I was lying in bed, sleepless, thinking about stuff. One of the things that came to mind is how God is outside of time, at least that is what I believe, although I’ve never been taught anything like that. This probably popped into my mind because I had read an article about ‘time travel’> that totally caught my attention.
So I started thinking about praying backwards into time. Like, it shouldn’t matter–we pray for things in the future, so why not the past? Your future self could be affecting you now by prayers…At any rate, I looked it up and lots of other people think this way too.
These are the things I think of when lying around with a fever.
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