We Live in a Linear Frequency

Actually, I’m not sure about the statement that my title makes, but I had something interesting happen the other night.

In my dream, a guy was standing on my front porch shouting, “We live in a linear frequency” over and over. I woke up. I had no idea what that meant so I Googled it.

It turns out it’s an esoteric (to me, anyway) physics term. I still don’t know exactly what it means, other than that it has to do with sound, measurement and the math of music.

One of the things that came up when I was researching this term was Chladni figures.

chladni drawings

These are patterns that are made with sand on square metal plates when the plates are exposed to certain frequencies. They were discovered in 1787 by “the father of acoustics” Ernst Chladni. As the frequencies change, so do the patterns. Below is a cool example of how this works.

I have no idea how connected “linear frequency” and Chladni figures are, but I just love the implications of them. It makes this make sense:

In the beginning was the word.

It makes me think that God is a frequency — the frequency of love. And perhaps this is sort of how it worked when He spoke the universe into existence. Pretty cool, huh?


Lessons Learned


I definitely feel as though life is a path on which we encounter many lessons, none of which we can avoid. If we manage to sidestep a lesson in one form, we’ll encounter it in another. That has been my experience, at any rate. Here are a few thing I’ve learned on this journey so far.

    1. No one has the answers. For several years now, I have read theology and philosophy of various traditions trying to make sense of things. While I’ve gotten some great ideas and inspiration from these sources, what I’ve mainly come to realize is that no person has the answers. Even the best and most renowned thinkers disagree with one another. You can either choose one and defend it to maintain your comfort with your chosen world view, or realize you’re on your own and that the truth has to come from within. For me, the truth resonates within when I read the words of Jesus, many of which correlate with those of Lao Tsu, the Buddha, Sikh writings and more. He is my rock.

    2. No one can save you from pain. I used to think that if I could just meet the right person, read the right philosophy or even eat the right foods, the pain would go away. This is not true. I have learned that I have to deal with, overcome or accept it myself. Life involves suffering for all. There is no escape other than finding peace with that fact and transcending it to some degree by realizing the next thing…

    3. Focusing on the light will free your mind. Positive thinking sounds like a pretty simplistic approach to problems, but it works, no matter the circumstances. I’ve had to relearn this lesson recently, as once again, I dived deeply into the world of schizophrenia trying to figure it out. The result was several days of intense anxiety the likes of which I’ve rarely experienced. The only way out of the anxiety was to completely focus my attention on something uplifting and positive, like making art, singing scat or watching silly cat videos. After several days of concentrated effort — clearing my mind of any negative thoughts whenever I felt anxiety and doing things like making lists of things that I love about the people in my life — the anxiety lifted. I would get at least a temporary reprieve, however, the very second I switched thoughts from dark to light.

I’m actually thankful for this most recent, albeit painful, lesson. It’s funny how in my quest for a schiz cure, I found both the road to mental illness and a possible cure. It’s so simple. Just have fun and keep your eyes on the light at all times. Recently, we’ve switched from therapy in which mental illness and bad feelings are discussed to life-coaching, in which empowerment and goals are talked about instead. We’ve had an amazing last few days, and I really think we’re on to something. :-D


Gratitude #1

Edward Biddlesworth

Edward Biddlesworth

What I am thankful for today:

    1. Edward Biddlesworth cuddling next to me and reaching out and touching my face with his charming little paws.

    2. Hubby who makes me peppermint tea and is generally sweet to me.

    3. The existence of heating pads.

    4. Perfect weather outside.

    5. Having lots of options when it comes to making money.

Sitting here writing this list because I know it’s a good practice and I really need to take my mind off the third day of sinus headache, severe back pain and IBS that I have been stricken with since Sage entered the hospital for the fifth time on Friday.

I’ve been entertaining myself today by reading The New Inquiry, a site I can’t believe I haven’t been familiar with until now. I especially enjoy The Triple-Decker Weekly.


Fault and Blame


I can’t help but think it must be my fault.

When my kiddo asked to go to psych hospital today because he felt like hurting himself, I kept thinking things like, “If he goes, there might not be a bed for a kid who really needs to be there.” I thought, “If I just figure out the key, I can make him happy enough to not need psychiatric help.”

When Greg drove him to the hospital today (he drives him there because I hate, hate, hate that place), I felt the soggy blanket of depression begin to descend. It wasn’t all because I was thinking, “Poor kiddo,” though. I was thinking, “I have screwed up. I should have figured this stuff out by now. I should be doing something differently. What did I do wrong?”

This sort of thinking is totally foreign to my husband, who is the pragmatic type. He sees this whole thing as a brain glitch that we simply must deal with as effectively as possible.

Not only do I feel as though it’s my fault when he goes to the hospital, but I tend to think it’s my fault that he got it in the first place.

Yesterday, when my teacher’s aide was describing her pregnancy difficulties due to Rh incompatibility, I remembered that I have Rh negative blood. Before we had even finished talking, I had typed “Rh incompatibility schizophrenia” into Google and discovered that yes, this is a risk factor for schizophrenia.

So is everything else it seems. Low vitamin D levels, stress during pregnancy (I keep thinking about a particularly emotional fight I had with kiddo’s biological father), life stressors like school, gluten sensitivity, etc. etc. etc.

I just got off the phone with him. Walking into the hospital, he saw the mother of one of his friends. Turns out the friend is in there for the same reason he is — namely, psychiatric symptoms triggered by stress. He said, “Mom, school is hard for weird kids like us.” Wish I could start an academy for eccentrics…

And yes, intellectually, I realize that it is what it is, that I shouldn’t try to blame myself, blah blah. Still.

The photo of Greg is apropos of nothing. I just like it, dirty rocking chair and all.


What I Don’t Know

lol calico cat

I don’t know shit.

The past few years of my life have turned into a classic case of the more you find out, the more you realize you don’t know. So many trippy things have happened that my view of reality has been seriously challenged. I’ve learned a few things, though.

I’ve learned that love is more important than anything at all, by far. In fact, it’s the only important thing there is.

I’ve discovered that there is way more to reality than meets the eye.

Those are the only two things I can really say with absolute certainty these days. This is pretty much the reason why I haven’t been posting on my other blog lately. What is there to say, other than the title of the blog itself? Also, I’ve really missed simply posting about life. I’ve missed this blog in particular because of its anonymous nature. So I’m back over here for the time being.

I’m totally off benzos now, which is awesome. Fear has taken a hike. Part of the reason is that I know I am loved, and I have come to believe that I am a spirit who is simply visiting here for a while, with a purpose. I’m guessing that’s the perspective I’ve needed.

It’s one I’ll need to fight to maintain, because going back to work with the kiddos at alternative school has not been a walk in the park. It’s so much easier to be all “peace, love, happiness” when you are sitting on your sofa in the living room writing articles about effective communication with others, for example. Not reacting when a child who is larger than you slams his fist into the post you’re leaning on or bursts into your room screaming and having a fit is a bit more challenging.

God, the Source, the awesome Spirit answered my prayer for me to find that purpose. In my sofa-sitting, content mill writing-induced ennui, I kept asking, “Use me, please use me. Show me what to do.” Little did I suspect I’d end up back in my old classroom! When the principal called and asked me to come back, I felt so needed I couldn’t refuse. Note to self: Don’t ask God for something unless I mean it and can accept it on his own terms. The other takeaway is that one’s purpose may not be all that fun or safe. It is certainly not relaxing.

I’m pretty accepting of that. The one thing I am not accepting of in life right now is my younger son’s frickin’ frackin’ mental illness. Sorry, but I find it impossible to believe. I just can’t wrap my head around it, no matter how many psychiatric journal articles I read or how many times he is admitted to the psych hospital. Tonight is his fifth in two years — hubby just drove him. Sigh. I hate mental illness.

Re the photo: Fur Elise is a contortionist.



I have been reading some really good stuff lately. I ran across this idea this morning:

…this author recently saw a communication from christians asking people to pray over whether the husband ought to go back into the U.S. Army or work at some other job…they were ‘seeking God’s will for their life’. The basic “how to live one’s life” teaching of Jesus of “love your enemy” would prevent a disciple from joining a world’s military. Thus, there is no need to ‘seek God’s will’ on the matter of joining a world’s military since Jesus’ teachings clearly address that.

The type of thinking the author describes has always bothered me. I’ve wondered at how it is possible to even be a chaplin in the Army, you know? I continue to marvel at how people continue to ignore the basic teachings of Jesus. Jesus says he is “the way and the truth and the life.” Either people believe this, or they don’t.

Jesus says:

But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

I am of the opinion that many people who are comfortable (unquestioning) in their religion and life are likely on the the broad road. I also think this probably applies more to individuals who are claiming to know God than it does to seekers, although I am not entirely sure. I know I have been granted an enormous amount of grace as I spent years denying the truth that was in front of my face.

I keep thinking that people who value authenticity, justice, equality and peace are being called by Jesus. That these things are markers that point to Him.

Just some thoughts.

And I’m thinking them before I go a church which I have been invited to help start, and which may not align entirely with my values about where God’s money should be spent. I keep thinking about how Jesus promises persecution, not popularity.

The fact remains, however, that I love these people and like spending time with them.

At any rate, it is a beautiful, beautiful day. It is only 60 degrees, and I am listening to some amazing sax music, live from the living room! :-)


Heirloom Seeds

For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about heirloom seeds and how important they are. Heirloom seeds are seeds that you can plant and once the plants have matured, then use the seeds from those plants to plant new crops. All seeds used to be heirloom seeds until they genetically modified seeds to be good for “one use only.” The idea of having to buy seeds from a company is not a pleasant one, because if anything disrupts the food supply, we will be in a big mess. I usually try not to think about this stuff, but I do think it makes sense to be aware of these things. I’m currently wondering if one can stockpile heirloom seeds so that they will still be good in several years. Just a thought.



I’m working on making a gameroom in the back for Sage and his friends. I definitely want my house to be the one that the kids come over to. This way, I don’t have to worry about what they are doing somewhere else. I cleaned out a lot of my craft stuff, and ordered an air hockey table, which is on its way. I’ve ordered some fun board games from Amazon, as well. I particularly like this one:

Yesterday, I went shopping at Kroger’s and took advantage of some sales. I stocked up on sodas, chips, brownie mix, cookie dough and Hot Pockets. While we don’t eat like this ordinarily, I like to have this stuff on hand for a house full of teenage boys. I’m really enjoying creating a space where they can have fun without the benefit of games or the television. So far, so good!


Christmas Music in August

The other day, I started to wonder why we don’t celebrate Christmas all year round. I learned of a family that keeps their Nativity scene up all year, and when I told Sage about it, he told me that my in-laws do the same thing. I hadn’t noticed. It makes sense, though. While I don’t have the Nativity up, I do listen to what sounds like Christmas music in my choir. It is liturgical music, which includes songs about the birth of Christ. I love hearing this music any time of year. It is relaxing and focuses my mind where it needs to be — on Christ.


Wonderful News

Upon realizing that what I was studying was pure lies, I dropped my courses this semester. I have to admit that I was worried about money, though, as I had planned on using the student loan money to make up the difference between what we spend and what we earn. I needn’t have worried, however, as God came through! In my inbox was an email from a client informing me that they had approved me for a publication that I don’t remember applying for. There are literally thousands of easy to write titles from which to choose, all of which pay $25 buck. Sweeeeet! No money worries. Everything is taken care of.